I had to think about this one for a while. I went back and scanned the poster photos, tried desperately to find something other then prison and addiction to talk about, and gave up. I decided that speaking about what means something to me, personally, would be the only way not to sound hollow. In fact, I don't think I might have written about anything else.
I am an addict. Hardcore, not kidding, drugs you might not even have heard of, addict. I am in recovery.
I am an ex-convict. I did real, not-kidding, no joking around 1,460 days in prison because of my addiction. I am on probation until October, 2010.
Looking at the two posters that day, opposed to each other, physically, as if they might ever be opposed to each other, made me smile. Statistics don't lie, but neither do they tell anything like a useful truth that might bring a sense of betterment to questions of humanity and individual failings.
I heard a LOT of talk on the day of these poster presentations about "criminals", and I spent a lot of time wondering if I am one. I certainly have committed criminal acts and have paid the greatest of penalties for being caught in the commission of a criminal act. But does this mean that, today, one week before I finish my degree, that I am still a criminal? Am I permanently tainted? Is one only a criminal if one has a criminal record? How many of you have bought a dime-bag of pot? driven while a bit too tipsy? lied to a police officer or used a fake ID? All of those criminal acts - do they make you a criminal? Are you a criminal even though you don't have a criminal record? Am I a criminal sitting among you? I don't feel like one anymore.
Here is where the rubber meets the road for me. When literature meets statistic and the two help to provide a picture which is not perfectly representative of a truth, but yet, combined, represent something closer to truth than might have been possible alone, is that an important phenomenon? If the statistic and the piece of literature can also be used with equal efficacy to represent a non-truth, is that an important phenomenon? In both cases, of course, the answer must be yes. Still more dramatically important is the ideology of the statistic and the piece of literature; what is the intended public for the statistic or the literature? how were they framed? do they contradict each other or support each other? who is doing the talking and why? who paid for the statistic and why? why must it be about the money?
We are given the black box which is addiction and asked how to deal with it; we are presented with some options by the people we have designated to carry out our will. Before most any of you, my classmates and colleagues, were born, the will of the people said that the addict and the 'other' who supplied the addict should be segregated, separated, warehoused and obliterated. The "War on Drugs" began as a slogan, became a policy, matured into an enormous boondoggle and has become an economic engine, worldwide. It is among the easiest ways to agitate and infuriate the people - tell them it is about the children and their little son or daughter shooting heroine - the images are so dramatic that the people are willing to do anything, pay any price to avoid it. They will get behind any policy, any revenge, any breach of constitutional rights. Anything is permissible when your children are on the line, right? Have you ever heard of a politician being elected on the "let's be reasonable about sentencing non-violent, first-time offenders platform"? Hell no you haven't, nor will you ever. That might have been your kid. For MY parents, it was. Did some pusher force me to try drugs? Again, hell no - I couldn't wait to try them.
The statistics, read without rancor or hyperbole, are bleak. The mountains of money and time invested in closing a border, punishing the user, destroying the supplier, eradicating the grower, killing the cartel, are orders of magnitude larger than the original drug problem, left to die its rather short life span in a really sick body, could ever have been.
I am an addict who does not drink or use drugs. I am a criminal who no longer commits crimes (OK, sometimes I go 70mph in a 55-zone. Don't tell my probation officer). Try to picture this: I sit in a room full of people who don't know a thing about me and would never picture me sitting on a metal chair, my hands, waist, feet and ankles joined together in a heavy-gauge chain, unable to stand erect; I am ordered to stand up, I am chained to other criminals and shuffle down a hallway, I wear an orange jumpsuit and I am escorted by men with shotguns who would not hesitate to blow my head off if they felt threatened. Return with me to now: the people in the room are doing a college project and are using the word criminal as if it were a stable and well-established word with clearly defined meanings. There are statistics about addiction and prison at the liminal ends of the room. I am smiling; this day I have learned something that I will never forget, ever; I am a black box.
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Well I just did the math on 1,460 days. Dang.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I would argue that we probably know a few things about you by now, even before this blog post!
At any rate, I am really curious, do you consider yourself an addict or a criminal? And as you consider yourself one way or another, to what extent does the idea of what someone outside of you considers you to be matter? I realize that how the law determines you is one thing, but it is interesting to consider how much, as individuals, the outside invades our idea of ourselves.
It seems that often addicts are said to "always be addicts." I wonder if some former addicts find this frustrating--I have friends who are recovered addicts who don't throw that slogan around, and as far as I understand, have moved on. I appreciate that the "always an addict" sentiment could be seen as a way of recognizing that the former addict continues to "succeed" against the addiction--but I can also see how someone might want to leave that label behind at some point.
Your post looks at the efficacy of drug policies--and implies that the punishment outweighs the crime and even the intent behind the policy. If the laws are meant to protect the public, there hopefully will be some tracking of their success. Right? But as you point out, the policies get wrapped up in so many other things--and yes, people WILL justify lots of unsound behaviors in the name of their children. It is the place where the stories we tell become scare tactics--and story and "fact" can spin very scary tales...
I also think of a kid I once worked with who was sent to prison. Though it's not a great thing for his record and he might hang on, at least for awhile, to a "criminal" identity, his sentence actually gave him some things that were very beneficial. He had his first experience traveling out of state and on a plane (to go to trial). He got a way from a very detrimental, enmeshed family situation for the first time in his life. He was able to get some job training and gain confidence as an independent actor in the world, again as a result of being away from his family. I don't know what he is doing today, but I often think of him and how, in his case, having one of the worst things possible happen to him, may have ended up being one of the best things for him. And I don't at ALL mean that in a "prison really does rehabilitate people well" way...but in a...we don't know exactly what we are getting into way, even when we feel something is really certain (protecting children from drugs etc.)
Warning: Ramble to follow.
ReplyDeleteMy mom just got out of the workhouse for stealing lots of money while she was on a crack cocaine binge and my dad can't bring minors to Canada because he was once sent to prison for selling LSD with a bunch of Indians from AIM. I know convicted petty criminals, and all I can say is that there is really hardly a difference between the convicted ones and the rest of us. We're mostly all dissenters and maybe we don't all get caught.
My mom needed something, but as far as I know the workhouse only taught her how to be a better criminal - how to not get caught. She is an alcoholic PTSD drug addict etc, she is a recent mother to a baby girl, she needs something to keep her off the sauce! (I see her going back to it and all I can think about is how likely it is that that little girl is going to end up in my custody.) But maybe nothing can 'help' her - maybe hardship is built into her fabric and responding to her hardships is built into mine, and there really isn't anything wrong with that.
I think about this criminality primarily as a class issue. I am an upper middle class white girl with a history that sounds like it belongs to some other demographic. Whatever that means. I'm college educated, I'm somewhat well adjusted, but my stories would make you cringe. I am a black box, too.
And I don't know what to make of this black box yet, or how to engage the world quite - I find myself not meshing with everything all the time, not quite how I am supposed to - because when I talk about my life people hush up and change the subject, or say "dear, I'm so sorry for you" and... that is just awkward for me. So I suppose these days I don't talk about it as much.
Being a bit of a criminal is akin to being an interesting person with a story that some people will find difficult to bear - probably a good way to weed out folks from your world that don't have much of a story themselves, and also a good challenge for you to find clever ways to present yourself.
There is a secret network of people who collect wisdom by living crazy lives - I'm one, you're one - the way we learn the world kills some people and makes other people into hindsight philosophers. And if the justice system were able to 'sanitize' this out of our nature, humanity would be suffering a great loss, in my opinion.
There is nothing so "noble" about being a drug addict - but I feel it is a valid way of collecting experience, albeit not an economically productive one (because of the damn 'war on drugs'). Some Zen, The path to enlightenment is paved in suffering and suffering is often the result of seeking pleasure.
We're some kind of 'street smart' I guess, and I for one think its worth all the trouble.